Behold the sitesled of my mentor Corv.
imthatguy One night home from the bars, which aside from the occasional pizza place the only other thing open was this porno store. I'm not sure why - I think one of my friends wanted to buy a magazine - but we went in, and annoyed the shop's patrons by picking up every ridiculous sex toy and laughing about it loudly. The most absurd thing we found was a large plastic beer can - meant to look like "Coors Light," or something, but much larger - and when you unscrewed the cap at the top, there was a latex vagina inside, that you were meant to stick your dick in and fuck the can. Well, not really "fuck" the can, exactly, but masturbate with it.
imthatguy So of course we have to buy the beer can vagina, because we're drunk and it's funny, and we figure we'll find some entertaining unintended use for it. So we paid for it and continued on our merry way back to the hotel. Once there we said our goodbyes and retired to our rooms, and I realized that somehow I'd gotten stuck carrying the bag from the sex store. I set it down on the desk and didn't think much about it. That is, for a few minutes, until I found myself sitting on the bed in my hotel room, drunk and lonely and sexually frustrated, and I kept staring over at that stupid beer can vagina.
imthatguy "Maybe I should just try it. Just see what it feels like..." I mean, why not, right? You know. Just for kicks, right? So you know what? I fucked it. Yeah. I fucked a plastic beer can. I fucked the shit out of that can. And you know what? It felt alright. It did the trick. That is, until it was all over. Until the moment after, when I was hit by a sobering freight train of humility, looking down at my dick stuck inside a latex vagina housed in a plastic beer can. Moments like that you start to question everything - "How the hell did it come to this? Who am I? What am I doing with my life?" I probably sat there for an hour, silently with my plastic lover, pondering my existence.
imthatguy The next morning, when the subject of the previous night came up and someone said, "oh, where's that funny beer can thing we got? Rob, you had it, right?" And everyone looks at me, and I just stare at them for a moment, and then say, "...I fucked it. I fucked it and I hated myself, and now it's gone." There was a slight pause, followed by uproarious laughter. The ridicule took months to subside.
SAXXONPIKE mmm, steak
SLASHSPIT you guys don't respect the environment, do you?
SAXXONPIKE I respect a good dinner
SLASHSPIT how can you eat that? cows are like one of the largest contributors of methane gas
SLASHSPIT which contributes to global warming and stuff
SLASHSPIT so what are you all doing for the environment?
SAXXONPIKE I eat the fucking cows
SNAUSAGES So, an E-flat, a G-flat, and a B-flat walk into a bar.
SNAUSAGES And the bartender says,
SNAUSAGES "I'm sorry, we don't serve minors."
MYKE That struck a chord.
SNAUSAGES Careful with those puns, you'll get in treble.
MYKE But they're key to my humour.
MYKE And very noteworthy.
KARLMEX So a friend of mine got back from Amsterdam a few months back, after spending a stint there with a bunch of his mates. Told me quite possibly one of the funniest stories I've heard. They had picked up some shrooms and acid, and decided to take it in the wee hours of the morning, and spend the day exploring the city while they tripped and sure enough 20min into it, one of the group vanishes. So, after 7 or so hours of struggling to search for their lost friend, they decide it'd be best to head back to their hotel, sober up, regroup, and go looking when the gears worn off and they'd be of more use.
tubs lol k
KARLMEX Anyway, upon arrival at the hotel, surprise suprise they find their friend standing in the lobby, dazed and staring at the ceiling muttering to himself. Understandably they were all pissed off with him for making them worry and bringing their trip down as a result of their half assed search. However all the friend can reply with is "this fucking town is full of gremlins!" They tried to calm him down and tell him that it was the acid making him hallucinate, to which he replied "I knew you'd say that so I captured one and locked it in the bathroom!
tubs lol?
KARLMEX as you'd expect they thought he was losing the plot, but he insisted they come to his room and look for themselves. So, they head to the room, and sure enough, the bathroom door is baracaded shut with chairs, lamps, mattress and the bed, they're getting a little worried now, so they cautiously move the furniture away and inch the door open
tubs and??
KARLMEX ...Laying on the floor is a 10 year old kid with Down syndrome grinning ear to ear.
tubs lol dude that's fucked up
KARLMEX The mate had come across one of those outing groups or retarded kids, freaked out, balled up one of those poor little bastards carried him back to the room and locked him in the bathroom for proof!
tubs lol god man
KARLMEX anyway, luckily the kid had one of those ID cards saying "hi my name is Ted, I live at blah blah" lol so yea, took the poor kid to the lobby, called the cops and did a runner before they arrived lol.
RabidPieConsumer I'm thinking of programming an Oregon Trail knockoff based on something entirely fictional.
RabidPieConsumer Any ideas?
ClicheCow how about you try to go across the ocean?
ClicheCow you can shoot 70 pounds of sea turtles
ClicheCow but for some fucking reason you can only carry 20
ClicheCow your daughter dies of scurvy
ClicheCow you try to ford the ocean and one of your oxen dies
Oh, and lastly, here's my Myspace for those of you that give a shit...